INK XVI

Tomorrow Marmaduke leaves. I wonder if I'll ever see him again. I did in fact see him once before he set off for a different country, and it was purely on accident. Him and his brother were playing bball near my house when I happened to be riding my bike to my friends house. An odd coincidence considering after two years I have never once run into them.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little blue but I'm sure it will pass. I don't really feel like writing much today, but I'll get back into things soon- or so I hope.

Word of Advice for the day: Riding your bike barefoot on a summer night is the ultimate happiness-maker.

INK XV

Okay, okay so I know I'm getting a little redundant but things are once again amiss with BFF. This time though, it's my turn to be mad at him. First he professes his love to me, ignores me, then I tell him I like him back but have to wait until after prom so I don't hurt Almost Famous's feelings, then a few days after prom he hooks up with some rando girl at a club party! Like comon' are you kidding me with this? And then he asks literally everyone else to ask me if I'm mad at him rather than coming up and confronting me himself. I'm so frackin' frustrated I kind of want to punch him in the face.

Anyway I went to one of the many debutante balls last night and there was this guy who oh my most attractive boy i've seen in awhile. Seriously, I miss him and I don't even know him. It really kept my mind off of the fact that BFF was ignoring me completely and all over every other girl. Sigh i'm so done with him and Almost Famous. Time for a new boy, i'm thinking sexy fohawk boy with the Burton t-shirt from the Deb ball. Mhmmm. Oh also in the big new category I bought a camera today a Nikon D3000 and I'm super excited. It was a little pricey but it came with an extra lens and battery and all this other stuff so I think it was a good deal. As soon as it gets here I'll start uploading pictures for sure!

Sorry this blog is more of a rant than anything meaningful but I'm just tired of all of this nonsense. By the way Marmaduke leaves in four days... the countdown continues :/. Here we come Fresh Start, I hope you're as nice as you sound.

Word of advice for the day: Don't be afraid of leaving things behind; life is about the moments and experiences you have and sometimes you only make lasting memories if you change it up a little. Keep your head up, things always get better.

INK XIV

My graduation parties are finally coming to a halt. In the midst of all this madness I am working on leaving town just for a night and retreating to the mountains; my real home.

I'm feeling a little frustrated lately. I think it's because there is so much I want to do but I can never seem to do it. There's something missing from my life and I feel greedy saying that. I have so much that to want more seems absurd. I think I still want Marmaduke. I'm not really sure what I want anymore.

BFF and Almost Famous have recently let me down. Instead of being upset with them though, I've decided that I really don't care anymore. It was too much work to like either of them, so now i've decided to like neither of them. I'm hoping for a fresh start. I can't believe how soon I will be going off to college. Life moves so fucking fast.

I feel like I'm rambling. I know I was going to start my short story series but I am so tired my eyes are literally falling shut as I type. Hopefully I will get around to it this weekend.

Word of Advice for the day: You have to start somewhere. Stop talking about doing something and just do it. Sometimes you just need to sit and figure out what it is that you really want.

INK XIII

I HAVE OFFICIALLY GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!

Today at precisely 9:30 AM I stood amongst my peers and gleefully pranced across my high school's landscape and reached my hand out for my diploma- what a truly wonderful moment that was. I must say that graduation is my new favorite holiday. I have received far more presents this week than ever before, and besides that everyone is so genuinely happy. I love it.

BFF and I are back to normal, it was actually a fairly quick fix. We talked for a few hours on his birthday and I told him that I was too spontaneous by nature to sit down and discuss with him if I would ever be willing to date him or not. He didn't really understand what I was saying but I think it gave him hope that there was still the possibility of a relationship between the two of us-- I suppose I'm kind of hoping for the same thing. I wish I was attracted to him like Marmaduke. Speaking of Marmaduke, he has been MIA lately because if I'm not at a graduation party I'm busy meeting with relatives or talking to friends. This time of year is certainly busier than before. He leaves so soon and he doesn't really seem to care that we are going to be saying goodbye. If anything he has been talking to me less, almost as if he wants to pretend we never really were friends. He is a strange boy, I'm intrigued by him although I wish I wasn't.

I'm exhausted, it has been a very long day. I want to remember it exactly as it happened because the moment was poetic and reflected only the best parts of my time in high school. I will miss my friends desperately. They keep me sane. Here's to KDS class of 2010 "Oh, the places we'll go"!

Word of Advice for the day: Try your hardest to live in the moment. Take in the scenery, the smell, the feel of the moment, so that you can remember how happy you truly were.

INK XII

Prom was yesterday and I am currently running on 2o minutes of sleep and an uncomfortably large amount of appetizers. I had four grad parties today all of which were obligations. Tis the season!

Anyway, prom was actually super fun. My date, Almost Famous, and I had a wonderful time although it stayed for the most part simply a relationship between friends. I still don't know what to do about BFF, he was in my prom group last night and managed to ignore me the entire night until we got to my friends house at 3:30 AM where we all spent the night. Almost Famous fell asleep pretty quickly and soon it was just BFF and I awake watching Super Bad. Around 5:30 I crashed and fell asleep with my head against his chest. His heart was beating so quickly though, that I actually woke up. I realized this is precisely the situation that he had been trying to avoid. So I moved again.

BFF took my friend Aggie to prom with no intention of forming any kind of relationship with her other than friends. Still though, they have become almost inseparable and I can't help but feel as though BFF has upgraded to a new best friend. I have cried too much about it now. He keeps leaving me even though he said he wouldn't. I need him.

Tomorrow is his birthday, but he'll probably be busy with Aggie, I feel like it's not even worth calling him. I don't think he realizes how hard this whole thing has been on me too. Ugh, I'm tired and I can't even tell if I'm forming sentences anymore. I'm going to bed.

Word of advice for the day: I wish I could give you some advice, but I'm all out. For now I'll leave you with this: take it one day at a time, that's all you can ask of yourself.

By the way, today I learned that giraffes tongues are 18-20 inches, that's frackin' incredible!

INK XI

Tomorrow is prom. It doesn't feel like it though, especially considering I have yet to find a suitable dress... I'll like to wait to the last minute to do things, it makes me feel adventurous.

I feel like I cry a lot now. I'm growing very nostalgic. Since high school began I've practically been counting the hours until college, but now that the hours are limited I find myself clinging to my childhood and my life that has up till now, been comfortably grounded in my high school. BFF and I are not better. Despite the fact that we again talked at a party we were both at, things have hardly changed. It's going to take time, which physically makes me cringe. The idea of wasting time that I could be spending laughing and playing with BFF, contemplating our feelings for one another seems unbearable. Yet, I see where he's coming from, and despite my feelings I will give him the space he is asking for, because I love him.

On a brighter note two things: First, I am hopefully purchasing a camera tomorrow. One of those nice hi-def ones. I'm preemptively spending my grad money; I think it's a wise purchase. With my new camera I hope to upload some pictures on here... maybe then I'll draw a little more attention to my rants. Second, I think shortly, once my life calms down a titch and I have less things to write about I am going to begin my short stories series. I consider my self a magnet to unusual events, and I think it is about time I share those events.

In hopes of reminding my self in the future of what I was intending on writing about here is a brief synopsis of what is to come:

1. My toilet

2. The Chipotle worker

3. The dog that lept

Intriguing, yes?

Word of advice for the day: Sometimes being happy-go-lucky is not a good thing. There is something to be said for a detailed plan and for knowing exactly how you feel about a particular situation. Also, fish oil pills and vitamin E are life savers. Seriously, if you want your hair to be shiny and long pop a few of those bad boys and you'll wake up with a mane.

INK X

I'm worried I made the wrong decision.

After it all, after all the private tennis lessons, the chipotle runs, and typical best friend moments he asked me. He asked me the one thing I was unprepared to answer; how I felt about him. I told him the truth which was this: I loved him to the point where it was actually painful but the timing was off. We could never date when Maine was only 3 months away and my new life as a college student was equidistance. The question was straight forward and all I had to say was yes or no. Would I or would I not date him. I answered no. I answered wrong.

After a lengthy discussion he hugged me and promised he would never leave me. He told me then though that I had to leave him alone for awhile if I wanted to let him fall out of love with me. He is my best friend and when he told me that I crumpled. It's about time I cried over him, I thought.

With Marmaduke leaving, BFF asking for space, and my old family friend snubbing me with a sub par, impersonal, graduation gift after we spent hours searching for his perfect gift, I feel as though the overcast weather is strikingly suitable. I feel a little hazy myself. And my own form of raindrops are falling almost uncontrollably from my eyes. Such is life.

If I could do it all over again I would have preferred to never know Marmaduke, that way I could fall in love properly with BFF.

Word of advice for the day: Sometimes it's important to seclude yourself from the rest of the world. It's a good way to avoid conflict.

INK IX

I just returned home from my last day of working at my elementary school. It was fun but I'm glad to officially be on summer and have the wonderful privilege of sleeping in.

Update on all the things in my life is as follows: To start with I did not get the job as the tennis instructor- so lame- but I'll live. Secondly, Marmaduke departs the country in roughly 15 days plus or minus a few because I don't know the actual date he is leaving. I suppose by this point I should have already given up on him, but alas it is so easy to tell a teenage girl that a boy is wrong for her but so so hard for that teenage girl to accept the facts and move on. I had a long talk with BFF about "our feelings" and I think it was very good for us to have put everything out in the open. He says we can remain best friends and all I can do is pray to God that he's telling the truth.

I feel like Marmaduke is going to be the one who got away. You know what I mean? Like in 20 years from now I'm going to be in a comfortable relationship when Marmaduke stumbles by and I go all gaga for him again. A girl can't help herself. Besides, he's breathtakingly good-looking. I'm shallow, I'll be the first to admit it.

Before I forget I did have something funny happen to me today. I was downtown and I parked in this annoyingly cramped parking spot. It was so small that in order to pull out I had to do a 14 point turn- no exaggeration. As I was pulling out though (that's what he said) this boy about my age walks right up to my car. As I feverishly pulled back and forth in an attempt to free myself from the parking lot the boy just stood there and laughed at me. I asked if he wanted to get past me and he said no he'd prefer to watch me struggle. Anyway, he helped direct me out of the parking lot and I had a good laugh and thus my first true summer day was ended. Well kind of. Is it stupid of me that I'm sitting on my couch just praying that Marmaduke will text me to go out? Probably... actually definitely. Oh, well.

Word of Advice for the day: Being fake nice is just as bad as being a straight up bitch. Be yourself, good or bad, and find the people who truly like you for you. Also, when looking bad prevents you from going out and having a good time, it is definitely time to rethink your life.